Lily was a girl who knew how to laugh. She knew how to make friends, she knew how to have fun, and she knew how to love. With knowledge like that, she didn’t see a reason to learn anything more.

Then there were those moments, the moments she tried to ignore. In those moments Lily found herself feeling empty and sad. She would sit when it was quiet and feel a loneliness in her heart that scared her. Memories and thoughts danced dangerously in the recesses of her mind. In those moments, Lily would pick up the phone, call the first person she thought of, and see if they would like to go out. She would get dressed in an outfit that made her feel sexy and apply her makeup perfectly. Lily would slip on her high heels, hop into her car, and drive to a distraction. These distractions came in the form of clubs, parties, and road trips to unknown places. She liked to escape the town she lived in, get as far away as time would allow.

Much like the empty sadness she felt during the quiet moments when a distraction of laughter, friends, or love, was not available, she felt a stirring inside her that she should be doing something she was not doing. Lily couldn’t figure out what that thing she needed to do was. So, she would drink the thought away, make love to strangers, and do dangerous things with a smile on her face.

One night, at one of those parties she used as a distraction from her thoughts, she found a substance that made her feel exhilarated. When she took it, all was right in the world. No more lonely feeling, no more insecurity, no more fear. She wanted more of it. She quit her job so she could spend more time doing it. She found friends who liked it too and wanted to be around them as mush as possible. She introduced this substance as a wonderful medicine for unfulfilled people to her friends. And because she was a leader, they tried it too.

But one day she felt her body say, “No more.”

Lily stopped taking her special medicine. An odd, seemingly divine, stillness deep inside Lily, told her it was no longer safe to take it.

Lily laid in bed one night, feeling alone and hopeless. She asked God, “Please God! Why am I here? What do you want with me? I’m ready for my purpose; please tell me what I’m supposed to do with this life you’ve given me!”

Two days later, God answered.

Lily paced up and down the narrow hallway of her small home; her glances were frequently in the direction of the bathroom. The directions said ten minutes.

Lily looked at her watch. It had only been five. She took a deep breath and returned to the bathroom, anyway. She walked to the counter top and looked at herself in the mirror. She saw a young woman’s face looking back at her and watched as her pretty eyes filled with tears. She closed those eyes and let the tears trickle down her cheeks, without wiping them away. She knew her answer was on the counter and all she had to do was open her eyes and look down.

Ready. One. Two. Three. Lily opened her eyes and looked down. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt as if someone’s strong fist grabbed hold of her heart. “Oh, no. But, but, he said he couldn’t…”

Her thoughts trailed off as she picked up the test and stared, as if a strong enough gaze would change the verdict. But it wouldn’t. Lily set it back down and placed both hands flat on the counter top, bracing herself. She slowly raised her eyes to where she had just seen the reflection of a young girl, but there was someone different looking back at her now.

The face staring back at her was that of a scared young mother.

I want to write a short story:-)

Officially Re-familiarized with Leo and Anna

So I listened to great advice and began reading aloud this morning and fell in love with my story all over again. There are so many mistakes and inconsistencies, yes, but I think the skeleton of the story is one worth taking the time to edit, fix, buff, and polish. Now I am going to my "thinking spot" to decide what Anna will do now that Steve has shown up early and unexpectedly. Will she be brave enough to tell him the truth? Will she run away? Will he go Psycho in front of her? Or act calm now, but do some crazy things behind her back? Will she be on to him? Or will she be ignorant to exactly how bad he has become? And where did Leo go? Will he come back? When? What was he doing while he was gone? And how long will I make Anna wait to find out? Maybe she will make the wrong guess and distrust him until she finds out that he was trying to protect her all along? Maybe he was never a neighbor to begin with, maybe it's time to find out that Leo was undercover keeping an eye on Steve, and just happened to fall in love with Anna along the way? But how would that work with his being a successful businessman? It wouldn't. hmmm...

Rays of sunshine amidst the storm

You ever look up into an over cast sky with sun breaks, one of those especially beautiful ones you stop to look at even if you are in a crummy parking lot at the time? And it seems in some of these gray/black masses of clouds who hide almost the entire blue sky, that we can see those little rays of sunlight sneak their way past the darkness and shine down for the whole world to see their rebellious character. Usually when I see these triumphant beauties I think they are God's fingers reaching down to take souls up to their new heavenly home. However, lately, when I think about them I think how much life is like that sky. Sometimes clear and easy, blue and bright, but often cloudy and dark for reasons we have little or no control over. And when I think of life that way, I see those illuminating rays as those friends in my life who have taken their time and spent their effort to make my dark sky just a bit brighter. I thank God for them. Its funny how He allows us to suffer these storms but it is also Him who blesses us with the radiant light of love and friendship.

Inspiration evades me yet again

I could really use some inspiration for my writing. March is my dead line to have a rough draft novel done. I made that goal last March and gave myself one year. I am about 20,000 words short. I'm sure I could write 20,000 in the month of March if I put my mind to it, but I'm just having trouble being inspired. What will I write? And if I figure that out, who gives a crap that it has been written? I know that's pretty negative, but it is what it is.

Bob Dylan said it best...

in his song, "You're a Big Girl Now."

Cookies and Control Top Underwear

I found myself walking around Walmart this morning, in my hands was a wad of all different kinds of Control Top Panty Hose, slimming underwear, and a package of Pepperage Farms Milano cookies, double chocolate. Did I bother to get a cart to conceal some of it? Of course not, that might actually save me embarrassment. I'm starting to think I am glutton for punishment. I sure gave the cashier a laugh when i set them all down and said, "Cookies and Control top, makes sense, right?" Her reply was, "Actually, it does." With a laugh and an understanding smile she also told me to stop my McDonald's on my way out. If she had only known the temptation I felt when I walked by it on the way in. What happened to the size 6 days? Yes, even after kids I made it back there. These days, it's a size 10, tummy tuck undies, a push up bra, and a lot of cookies. What happened to me?

I like Walmart. It is a place I feel perfectly comfortable, my own kind are there. Those who lived in their Grandma's garage and thought it was the best because they were close to their mama, those with two dads, one who cared and one who just couldn't even if he wanted to, which he probably did. Those people who were destined to be stuck in trailer parks, like it's in their veins, my kind of people. You want to know something? I hate it when people make fun of Walmart because of the people who go there. Whew, I feel better now, I've been wanting to say that for a long time. I despise it when people judge others just because they are "Walmart type folk." I imagine I must be an undercover one or it wouldn't be my very own friends who feel comfortable to say such things in my presence. I mean, they are putting down my peeps here! They are people too! I like going to Walmart because it is there that I will yell at my kids just as I do at home, instead of saying all the proper "please and thank yous" in public and then being my true self at home where no one can see my motherhood flaws. Maybe it's not so much that people who shop at Walmart are bad people, are lesser class than those who shop at say, Target. I find it refreshing being around people who are real and don't hide their true selves in public and then let it all hang out at home. I am white trash in clean clothes. I lived in a garage, I lived in the bad part of town and never noticed, I lived in a trailer park, my car trunk was my closet for years, and I've walked around barefoot with a baby on my hip. And I'm loved for being that way, so the next time you think to talk bad of Walmart people remember that they are just like you, but not hiding their bad parts. They let it all hang out and I love them for their honesty.